Thought Dumps- A New Series(??)

Do Blogs do series? You'd think I'd know these things considering I do keep up with a fair amount of blogs.... Okay so this is kind of the perfect example of a short Thought Dump... Also arguably one of the worst ways to start a blog post? Maybe not. I would like to point out that this is not the post I had intended to make this week; that was going to be me whining about expressing how freaking glad I am that my semester is over and I have a moment to breathe, as well as posing the question of "why is it? HOW is it? That I manage to sustain injury every finals season?" this year's injuries come in the flavour of Head Trauma and Spinal Injury (I am okay and on the mend but joking about it helps.) but maybe next week! I don't entirely know why, but I felt compelled after having a moment last night, to share said moment on the interwebs. Because why not?

Here's the thing! I have A LOT of thoughts. Constantly. And I mean a lot as I am sure many can understand, and relate to. And so I usually release these thoughts in the medium of poetry or music... or I just speak them out loud for any poor soul around me to have to decide what to do with said thought from there. My poor hamster. THEN I realized that, hey, I am giving this blog thing a try, so now I can subject my interwebs friends to this unassuming form of torture share these, to me, seemingly rambly, random thoughts with my internet friends! So I am going to officially title this series "Thought Dumps" which is a SUPER creative title (please, have mercy, titling anything is literally the most stressful thing you can ask me to do regarding writing. I absolutely despise it.)

I genuinely do not know if this is going to actually be helpful to anyone. Or if anyone will be interested in this. However, my hopes is maybe someone can relate and, especially in the case of this Thought Dump, maybe somehow these words will help you feel a little less out of place, a little less alone, in this whacky season.

SNOWFALL

A Thought Dump

maybe this year will be different…

maybe this season, I will allow myself the love to grow

12-17-20

This is the first significant snowfall of the year in my small, Nova Scotian town. An event I have been dreading for weeks. Snow, for me, is a representation, a symbol, a reminder, of countless unspoken thoughts and emotions: years of unspoken grief, terror, heartbreak… that I have kept mostly under lock-and-key, unintentionally providing space for those “unpleasant” feelings to fester and grow into something scary. Something dangerous. Snow signifies, to me, the start of winter which immediately brings with it December, which then brings with it the tidal wave of memories that haunt the month like my own personal army of phantoms. Not to mention the beginning of the Holiday season- which in and of itself bring with it its own set of challenges. Years worth of happening that I have told next to no one, for various reasons, and this surely isn’t the time and place for me to do so.

When I was younger- in my teens- I used to think of this emotional conundrum as a thing. A monster of sorts. Something to fear, something to hide. Just one of the many I keep neatly (or, well, maybe not so neatly if I’m being realistic with myself) tucked away, swept under the rug, tied up in a nice little bow and stashed somewhere out of sight. To be honest, I think that some part of me still views this other part of me as just that. A monster. I’ve always been a very private person in many regards. Not intentionally. I’ve also been told I’m very guarded, and so it isn’t really that much of a shock that even the people who appear closest to me don’t actually know the full extent of my “I don’t like winter.” I am also sure that the topic my guardedness will come up in a number of these “Thought Dumps” anyway.

Year after year I try my best to put on a festive spirit, and partake in activities that I feel are expected of me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely a Grinch, I just find it incredibly hard and tiring pretending that there is absolutely nothing going on behind my festive façade. It is no secret that this season is exceptionally challenging for many, but I feel that that is a whole separate set of musings that I could go into. MY POINT is essentially that, while I put on a fake festive persona while around the people I feel expect- if not require- that of me, I am not a fan of winter or the Holiday season.

This evening, however, there was a very subtle, very slight, but VERY present shift. I wanted to go stand in the snow.

To many I am sure that is a huge “Okay? So what?” and I will admit that a twenty-two-year-old who experiences snow annually, feeling moved to share their experience in desiring the simple act of standing. In the snow. Is a bit absurd, and maybe I am reaching here and thinking faaaaar too far into this, but I feel like this is a tiny sliver of progress. A tiny sliver of hope that maybe this year can be different. Maybe this season can be just the tiny amount of improvement over last season. Maybe this year I can allow myself to love myself enough to even humor the possibility of growth, to slowly separate myself from the past, and to maybe start treading a new path forward. maybe this season, I will allow myself the love to grow.

I don’t know, maybe this is just me feeling tired of feeling stuck in a cycle of grief. Maybe this is just me feeling overwhelmed at the end of a very long, strange, new semester; but either way… for today. For this moment. I am going to go stand in the snow.

-K